


i was lost and found (when you kissed me)

by devilishdiadem



Series: i was lost and found (when you kissed me) [1]
Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Andy Black - Freeform, Based on Song, Finn Dameron - Freeform, Finn taking Poe's last name, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Heaven, M/M, PTSD flashbacks, Poe named Finn, Reciting wedding vows, Vows, mentions of FN-2187, my heart, my heart hurts, sequel in the works, slight PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-18
Updated: 2020-11-18
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:15:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27623252
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/devilishdiadem/pseuds/devilishdiadem
Summary: When a rookie hotshot Rebellion pilot catches wind that one of his generals is an ex-stormtrooper, and starts to question the man’s authority, the other general doesn’t hesitate to put him in his place.
Relationships: Poe Dameron & Finn, Poe Dameron/Finn
Series: i was lost and found (when you kissed me) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2019623
Comments: 2
Kudos: 46





	1. i was lost and found (when you kissed me)

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don’t own Star Wars, Poe, Finn, or any of the other characters and places included, except the people who’re obviously OCs and the planet, Shardaffa.
> 
> Set post RoS
> 
> Thank you to my sisters for the inspo, help, and support to make this happen. This is for you K, E, A
> 
> Please listen to Heaven by Andy Black before or during you read this. It really inspired the story and the lyrics are actually the title and chapter titles

“We’ve heard rumors of a small First Order base near Shardaffa,” Finn said to a group of pilots in front of him. They were all fairly new, and as this was looking to be an easy mission, Finn and Poe figured it would be some good practical experience for them. “Your orders are to set out, eliminate the target, hopefully withdraw some information from the base if you can, and then get back. Simple mission, simple objective. General Dameron will be leading you all.

“Any questions?”

All the rookies nodded in understanding. “All right then,” Finn noted approvingly. “Gear up and General Dameron will let you know when to lift off.”

Finn turned towards Poe as the kids geared up and headed off to their respective ships.

“I’ll miss you,” Finn said with a small smile.

“Don’t you always?” Poe replied cheekily.

Finn rolled his eyes. “Yeah, yeah, sure. Just don’t get dead, okay?”

“This is a milk run,” Poe said, seriously. “Look, I know you’ve been on edge since Rey left, but she’ll be back soon, and this mission will only take five or six hours at most. Shardaffa isn’t that far away, and if this base really is as small as the intel says, then it shouldn’t be too hard to blow up.”

There was a glint in Poe’s eyes and Finn couldn’t help but shake his head at his husband.

“You and blowing stuff up,” he joked. “You really are crazy sometimes.”

“Isn’t that why you married me?” Poe teased. “Because of how exciting I am?”

Finn smirked. “No, no, don’t you remember? You married me because you need me to keep you in line.”

“Oh, yeah, that’s right,” Poe said, the glint in his eyes flashing again as he smiled. They shared a short kiss, pressing their foreheads together briefly.

“Love you,” Poe muttered.

“Love you too,” Finn replied, pulling away. “Be careful.”

“Always,” Poe said with a mock salute, heading off towards his X-Wing. BB-8 was already in position.

“Watch him, BB-8,” Finn called with a laugh. “You know how he gets when he gets to blow up the First Order’s toys.”

The BB unit beeped a reply.

Finn watched as Poe signaled the other pilots before taking off into the speckled vastness of space through the hangar doors.

The weight of worry that always appeared when Poe set off on a mission made its presence known once more. Finn sighed. Five or six hours without the love of his life. He could handle it. He always did. Didn’t mean he had to enjoy it though. 

Five hours passed. Then six. And then seven.

Finn tried to ignore the weight that was growing heavier and heavier every second. There were plenty of reasons that Poe and the cadets could be late.

But then the minutes continued ticking by, and after having completed all his tasks for that day in a stressed daze, Finn found himself sitting in the hangar, anxiously chewing on his fingernails and tapping his foot on the floor. The workers in the hangar maneuvered around him patiently. They all knew how close the two Generals were. They also all knew how many times the two Generals had nearly lost each other, so none of them judged when one was worried about the other. 

Waiting. Finn had always hated it. Even back in his time as a Stormtrooper, he’d hated it, because it usually meant that something had happened. Or that they were laying a trap for some unsuspecting “rebel scum.” He had never liked traps either. They made him uneasy, made him feel like he was cheating. He was glad the Resistance didn’t lay traps very often.

He often wondered why he disliked traps so much. He hated the First Order, despised them, wanted to destroy their remaining forces in any way possible, but traps… for some reason they still made his stomach turn.

He often wondered if part of the reason might be that he had felt so trapped. So many times throughout his life. As a servant of the First Order, and then as a defector and newly-born Rebel, and even now sometimes as a General. He felt trapped between his commanders and those he commanded. He felt trapped between the orders he received and the orders he gave. He had felt trapped for so long by his love for Poe.

For far too long, Finn had kept those feelings buried. Having only ever been in the First Order’s servitude, there were so many feelings and emotions that he began experiencing for the first time after escaping the First Order with Poe.

Love. Happiness. Excitement. Sadness. Grief. Rage.

The strongest one, undoubtedly — even though it sounded cliche and like it would come from some old holomovie — was love. He loved Rey certainly. As a friend, his best friend, as a sister even. He’d do anything for her. He’d die for her.

He’d loved Leia. She was motherly towards him, caring and protective, a feeling he’d thought he would never experience. He had also loved and admired her as the strong General she had been.

And then there was Poe. Finn’s feelings for Poe had been a rocky sea of tormenting waves, crashing down over him and drenching him in pain and hopelessness. He had had no idea how to sort his feelings. What to call them, what to label them. What to even do with them, so he stuffed them away.

Then, after his near-fatal fight with his ex-Captain, Phasma, and then the battle on Crait, he’d decided to himself that he had to tell Poe how he felt. He had to, less something happen to one of them and he’s left with regrets for the rest of his days. It wouldn’t be right if he continued to hide it, and maybe, just maybe, it would help Finn escape the strongest of the traps that held him.

And just when Finn was trying to master the courage to come clean about his feelings, to face them, to tell Poe how he felt, the pilot did it for him.

It had been the first moment of peace they’d had in what felt like years. Poe, the man who was usually a smooth-talking, cocky son-of-a-bitch, was now a stuttering mess. Finn was trying to understand him, but then Poe had managed the three words that he, Finn, had been practicing saying over and over again.

I love you.

They’d had their first kiss then. It had been quick and soft, but so emotionally strong that it shattered the cage that had trapped Finn for all those many days. It was the first kiss he’d ever had. They both knew it too — it was kinda obvious — but neither commented on it. It was perfect for them, no matter how much practice one had had.

A few months later they’d been married. It was nice, quiet. Just them, Rey, Leia, Chewie, and a few others. Rey told Finn later in the evening after the wedding, that she had been betting on them getting together for months. She said she was happy to finally see them content with each other.

Of course, just because Finn and Poe had faced their own feelings and come out to each other, it didn’t mean that they were accepted by everyone.

All who knew them respected and accepted them, even if they didn’t understand. They faced little opposition from the people they already knew. But there was always the rare case of someone who thought the idea of two male humans being in love was ridiculous. Preposterous. Even abhorrent.

Luckily, those people were quickly taught a lesson by a feisty Jedi trainee or a cold and calculating general, who just so happened to be a daughter of a Sith Lord.

But enough introspection. Finn had gotten lost in his thoughts and memories, temporarily driving the worry to the back of his mind, but when he looked around the hangar and saw other people around him, murmuring about the lateness of the pilots, his worry and concern returned, slamming back into his mind at full-force, stronger and harder than it had ever been.

It had been almost nine excruciating hours since Poe had left, before the X-Wings finally reappeared in the stars before Finn. He leapt to his feet, scanning the ships for Poe’s, marked as his by the colorful mural near the back on the starboard side. It was painted with greens and light reds, depicting a beautiful image of a lookout tower on Yavin IV, the planet where Poe had been raised. After his mother, Shara Bey, a renowned pilot from the Empire’s era, had retired from the Alliance, they had moved to Yavin IV. Poe had spent a great deal of time in the lookout towers there. He had loved being nearer to the sky, just like his mother did.

Finn couldn’t help but notice that the number of X-Wings returning was significantly less than the number that had taken off, but Finn could only think of Poe. He knew it was selfish, knew he should be concerned with the other lives and not just Poe’s, but he would reprimand himself later.

At last, his whole body started shaking with relief as his eyes caught sight of green on the side of a ship, and BB-8 sitting in the droid cavity.

He ran forward, passing by other pilots who were being greeted by friends or family.

“Poe!” he yelled. He saw the tousled brown hair emerge from behind the ship and quickened his pace. Poe looked disheveled and emotional, and he hugged Finn fiercely when he drew near.

They hugged in silence for what was at least a few minutes.

“What happened?” Finn asked, pulling away. He looked Poe over, making sure he was alright.

“It — it was a trap,” Poe began shakily. “The First Order, they — they knew. Somehow — somehow they knew that we would go to Shardaffa.”

“But — but how could they have known?” Finn asked. “I mean, we didn’t broadcast or radio anybody about it. There’s only one way the First Order could have known and that’s from the —“

“— from the inside,” Poe finished with him, his hands on Finn’s shoulders for he wasn’t steady on his own feet yet. Finn put his hands under Poe’s elbows to give him a bit of extra support.

“How many?” Finn asked gently, his voice low.

Poe breathed out shakily. “Twelve,” he whispered. He carefully took a step back, bracing himself with a hand against his ship. Distantly, they could both hear the voices of the other pilots. Some enraged, others distraught, but all asking the same question.

Who had gotten their friends and co-flyers killed?

Finn and Poe stood in the massive dome room surrounded by everyone who had known about the Shardaffa mission. The remaining rookie pilots, the technicians who worked comms, and the engineers who looked after the X-Wings. They were all there, some in the know about what had happened on the Shardaffa mission, and some not, making them wonder what had happened to cause this massive meeting?

When it seemed that they were all there, about thirty men and women, Poe held his hands up and called for silence, Finn standing at his side.

“You all knew about the mission to destroy the First Order base on Shardaffa, correct?” Poe began.

There were numerous nods around him.

Poe nodded. “Well, the mission failed. The First Order was expecting us."

Murmurs began rising up quickly at the announcement, but Poe silenced them as he continued speaking.

“Now did anybody, anyone, send any messages regarding the plan to Shardaffa? Could anyone have even transmitted a message unrelated to the mission and something have been overheard? Background noise, other people in the room, anything?”

Everybody shook their head, nobody speaking up. A collective ‘no.’ Poe sighed next to Finn. This was what they had feared. 

“Alright,” Poe said. “Then that means that we have a mole. If nobody transmitted any messages that they could have been overheard, then that means that the First Order got the information somewhere."

The mutters and whispers grew exponentially after that as Poe and Finn exchanged a look.

“If you come clean,” Finn began, speaking to the room at large, “we won’t go easy on you, but we won’t be too harsh either.”

“What’s the point?” one of the cadet pilots said. He took a few steps nearer to the front so that he was closer to Poe and Finn. “It’s obvious who the traitor is,” he snapped.

“And who is that?” Finn asked, eyeing the cadet suspiciously.

“You,” he replied.

Finn pressed his lips together in a line. He’d had people doubt his authority before, but never outright like this, and certainly never before in a room full of people.

He didn’t reply, but he sensed Poe stiffen next to him.

His husband opened his mouth to speak, to reprimand the cadet, to chew him out, but the young man continued to speak, raising his voice so it carried over Poe’s.

“We all know who you are, FN-2187,” he snarled. Finn felt all the blood drain away from his face. He hadn’t heard that name, no, that number, in many months.

Nearly two years.

The cadet eyed Finn and then turned on his heel to speak to the people behind him. “This man was a Stormtrooper. He was one of the evil bastards that shoots at us every damn day, and we’re just supposed to believe that after a few months of working with the Resistance that he’s suddenly on our side? He would’ve been subjected to brainwashing, torture, anything to keep him in line at the First Order.”

“That’s enough!” Poe yelled. Finn looked over to find his husband seething, his eyes flashing with a fire Finn had never seen before.

Poe stepped towards the cadet and pulled him around by the shoulder.

“What’s your name, Cadet?” Poe growled between his teeth.  
“Archer Bonteri, sir."  
“Well, Cadet Bonteri,” Poe began. “You are out of line. More out of line than you realize.”

“Oh really?” Bonteri crossed his arms and stared hard into Poe’s eyes.

“Yeah, really,” Poe replied, straightening up so that he was taller than the kid. “This man helped me escape First Order custody two years ago. Not just a ‘few months' has he been a part of the Resistance. He nearly died on the Battle of Crait, he fought against his ex-commander and nearly died! He has put his life on the line countless times for the Resistance, and you have no right to challenge that, Cadet.”

Bonteri had seemed surprised by the fact Finn had been there longer than a few months, but his next words proved that he didn’t believe Poe so easily.

“So?” he said indignantly. “People don’t change. Especially not someone who was raised in a laboratory and was trained to be a killer.

“FN-2187 has no right to serve under the Resistance flag and it should be obvious to each and every one of you that he’s the mole. It’s the perfect cover-up,” he continued, his voice a shout now. “A general in the Resistance? He would have access to everything, open communications to anywhere, the perfect disguise for a First Order spy. After all, who would ever suspect the man who saved the Resistance’s precious star pilot from the First Order?” he finished mockingly, his eyes cold as they focused on Finn once more.

Finn continued to stared back. The old title had sent his heart racing, sent flashbacks of everything he’d done as a Stormtrooper racing through his mind, but he kept his composure. He would not, absolutely not, have a panic attack right here in the middle of a conference that was discussing whether or not he was a traitor to the Resistance.

Bonteri had finally stopped talking now, and his gaze slowly slid from Finn to Poe. When he looked at the general, Finn saw a flash of something in Bonteri’s eyes. Fear maybe? Or wonder?

Nobody else was speaking in the room. They were all laser-focused on what was happening in front of them between their two Generals and the cocky cadet.

“How long have you been here, rookie?” Poe asked coolly.

“Two months, sir,” Bonteri replied.

Poe nodded. Then, in a flash, a sharp sound rang throughout the room and the left side of Bonteri’s face was turning pink. Poe was fuming, fierce and frightening.

“His name,” Poe began, his voice lowering to a deadly tone, “is General Finn Dameron, and you will treat him with respect, Cadet. I will also expect your formal resignation as a pilot of the Resistance in front of me, tomorrow morning at 0700 hours.”

“Dameron?” the cadet repeated skeptically. “You mean… you two…?” He eyed Poe up and down and then did the same to Finn, an emotion that seemed to resemble disgust residing in his gaze.

Poe and Finn both stared at him with steel jaws and fire in their eyes. Bonteri gulped.

“Do I make myself clear?” Poe asked.

Bonteri didn’t reply for a moment, still eyeing the two generals.

Poe snapped his fingers under Bonteri’s nose, drawing the attention back to him and only him. “Do. I. Make. Myself. Clear?” he ground out.

Bonteri set his jaw and gave Poe a sharp nod. With that, he turned sharply and left the room.

Finn and Poe both breathed out shakily as he left. “If anyone else has any problems with Finn,” Poe continued, “I expect you to either keep your mouth shut or to see your resignation forms on my desk tomorrow morning along with Bonteri’s."

Finn left the meeting as soon as possible. He felt slightly guilty for leaving Poe to handle the meeting on his own, but he knew Poe didn’t mind.

His mind was racing, and his breathing was still heavy and ragged from anxiety. But anxiousness wasn’t the only thing Finn was feeling.

Finn had thick skin, he’d always thought. You had to as a Stormtrooper, but also as a General, for you would be put under significant pressure. People would question you, question your orders, but Finn had pushed through without significant problems. Having Poe at his side undoubtedly helped.

But Bonteri’s words had dragged up a lot of fears and doubts that Finn had thought buried and long gone. However, it seemed that even though they’d been buried, those feelings had never truly been gone.


	2. and i'm still surprised (you never left me)

Finn was in his and Poe’s room. He was laying back on the bed, memories flooding through his mind. He would say he was having a panic attack, except his breathing was unusually steady. Maybe this was something different.

At any rate, the images flooding his mind were overwhelming. Faces of the people he’d killed as a servant of the First Order, the faces he’d seen in his nightmares.

Images that had plagued his dreams ever since defecting from the First Order. The face of Rey, beaten and bloody, a blaster wound fuming in her chest. The sight of Leia, backing away, fear evident on her face as Finn heard the click-click of Stormtrooper boots.

The face of Poe, tears streaming from his chocolate brown eyes as he pleaded at Finn to stop. Finn could see his own arms and hands raising the blaster, pulling the trigger, killing the love of his life.

Finn blinked as he heard the doors of the room slide open and wasn’t all that surprised to feel tears of his own sliding down his face. He sat up as Poe walked in.  
He wiped the tears away quickly but he needn’t have. If Poe had noticed, he made no comment on it.

“How’re you?” Poe asked simply, coming over and sitting next to him on the mattress.

Finn shrugged.

Poe nodded understandingly.

“Yeah, well… you’ll never have to deal with that again, not as long as I’m general,” he said. “I swear to Force, the next person who ever utters that number, I will hit them so hard their teeth fall out.” His voice shook with passion as he spoke and Finn couldn’t help but fall just a little bit more in love with him right then.

Poe suddenly turned to Finn. “I hope you didn’t feel — I don’t know — pressured or anything… when I said your name… and put… you know… at the end.”

Curiously, and yet not curious at all, the topic of changing their names had never come up. Most likely because Finn was already sensitive about his name having been a number for so long, and Poe recognized that. They both knew that Finn was entirely comfortable as having only ‘Finn’ as his name. It was enough for him, so he had never felt the need for a last name.

But now… having heard it. Finn Dameron. It felt… good. Well, that was an understatement. It didn’t just feel good, it felt right. It reminded him that he was Poe’s. Not in a weird way though. He meant it, they meant it, in a way that said they belonged together. A way that said they were a pair. That said that if you asked for Finn, Poe came along. And if you asked for Poe, you got Finn too.

Finn looked up at Poe. He shook his head, a slight smile gracing his face. “No, it’s perfect. I love it.”

Obvious relief blossomed across Poe’s features. “Okay, good,” he said. “I mean — you know… we’d just never discussed—“

Finn smiled at Poe’s stammering. “No, it’s great,” he interrupted. “I really do love it.”

Poe clamped his mouth so he wouldn’t stutter anymore, and Finn laughed.

“What?” Poe asked in question to Finn’s laughter.

Finn just shook his head. “Nothing, I just — I don’t know, it’s just funny how you can be the most smooth-talking, sassy, snarky Resistance pilot in the galaxy, who makes everybody swoon, and yet when you talk to me, you are the most adorable dork in the universe.”

Poe laughed, a blush creeping up his neck. “Yeah, well….” He shrugged. “Guess you just do something to me,” he said with a wink.

Finn reached behind him on the bed and grabbed a pillow, roughly throwing it into Poe’s face. “Not the time, Dameron,” Finn chastised teasingly.

“Oh, come on, it’s always the time, Dameron,” Poe replied, and Finn smiled broadly at the use of his name, their name.

They looked at each other for a few minutes. Just looked. No words, no gestures. Just a quiet, comfortable silence with each other.

Finn looked away after a moment, looking down at his hands. “You know,” he began quietly, “I was lost before I found you.”

He’d never said those words aloud before. It felt good to say them. He’d felt them for so long but never uttered them for a soul to hear. They were true. Completely, utterly, incredibly true.

“I was too,” Poe replied in a soft tone similar to Finn’s.

Finn looked up in surprise. “But you had Leia and the Resistance and a place here,” he said, unable to keep the confusion from his voice.

Poe shook his head, a small, wry smile gracing his features. “I had a place,” he said, “but I didn’t have a purpose. I joined the Resistance because I wanted to fly, because I wanted to see the stars. Despite my mother having been a part of the Rebellion, I didn’t really believe in the cause until I was here. Leia helped me believe. And I did believe, I believed hard, but it took a few months.

“But it still didn’t quite feel like home, you know?” he continued. “But then I met you. You hurrying me into that closet on that Destroyer, pulling off your helmet and helping me escape. Then we got in that fighter and sped off, and I — well —“

“You named me,” Finn said for him.

Poe’s lips twitched. “Yeah,” he said. “Well, that all happened, and I had felt something even that day, you know? Something different than what I had felt for other people I knew. I can’t explain it, it’s hard to put into words. It was just… different. And I wanted to speak up, to say something, but then crisis after crisis happened. But finally, we got that little opening. Those few minutes that are definitely the most well-spent minutes of my life.”

Poe’s voice was soft and sincere as he remembered the way he’d declared his feelings, and Finn found himself holding out a hand. He didn’t say a word, only held it out. Poe held out his own a moment later. Their touch seemed to give off an electric spark as their hands joined.

Neither said anything. They didn’t have to. They both knew how the other felt. They both knew each other just as well as they knew themselves. Probably better if they thought about how long it had taken them to open up and face their feelings for one another.

It was a few minutes before Finn spoke again, still in that quiet tone that he only used around Poe. “I know it’s in the past now considering the events of today,” he began, “but I was really worried about you when you didn’t get back on time from Shardaffa.”

“I’m sorry,” Poe said heavily. “I don’t mean to ever worry you. You know, it worries me when you would go off on missions with Rey. I mean, I know you can take care of yourself and all, but I do still worry.” He paused. “I have a feeling though that… that we’d know. We’d know if something happened to each other.”

“Like Leia and Han, you mean?” Finn asked.

Poe nodded. “Yeah, I mean, I know we aren’t Force sensitive like Leia was, but I still think we’d know.” He hesitated again. “Also… I promise you, I’m not reckless anymore. Not like I used to be… I have too much to live for.”

Finn felt emotion rise in his chest. He nodded.

“You could’ve had anyone,” he said after another beat of silence. His voice was so quiet that it was almost a whisper. Poe heard it clearly though.

“What?” he said, his tone incredulous. Finn’s hand was suddenly being tightly squeezed.

“You could’ve had anyone,” Finn repeated. “I mean, you’re smart, funny, outrageously good-looking—“ Poe smirked at the words “—and I just… part of me has just always been absolutely astounded that I’m lucky enough to say… to say that I’m yours.”

Poe huffed a light laugh. “Yeah, well, I guess we’re made for each other then because I’ve always wondered the same.”

“I — what?” Finn said, the same incredulity in his tone that had been in Poe’s.

“Yeah,” Poe replied with a shrug. “I mean, the brave soldier who defected from the only life he’d ever known, just on the basis of knowing that it was wrong? The man who’s braved more battles than any of these rookie cadets could imagine? And he falls for me?” Poe shook his head, still holding Finn’s hand. “I mean, you’re a hero of the whole Resistance. Anyone would be lucky to have you… and I’m lucky enough to be that someone?”

Poe didn’t look up until Finn released his hand and put a finger under his husband’s chin, lifting it up and turning it to face him.

They both leaned forward and put their foreheads together, their eyes falling closed as they took in each other’s presence.

“Forever until the Force takes me, I am yours, Poe Dameron,” he said quietly, discreetly, as though they were the only people left in the galaxy. Those words, the very same ones he’d uttered the evening of their wedding. It was the clearest and most happiest memory of Finn’s life.

“I’ve only had two true loves in my life,” Poe began, uttering his own words from that same evening. “The stars and you, Finn Dameron. And until my soul is sprinkled into the stars like stardust, I will be entirely, hopelessly, and only in love… with you.”

“Such a romantic,” Finn teased, though his voice was the most sincere it had ever been.

“Shut up.”


End file.
